I Do Believe McCain's Set a New Record for Dumbfuckery

It's been quite the day for the McCain campaign. I don't think any presidential campaign in the history of America has ever had this many missteps, embarrassments, lies, gaffes, and damn fool moves in a single week. McCain's managed it in one day.

The sad thing is, the following list is probably far from exhaustive. But I'll do my best.

After slamming Obama for non-existent ties to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac executives, the campaign had to engage in some desperate damage control after it was revealed that campaign manager Rick Davis's lobbying firm had been paid $15,000 a month by none other than Freddie Mac:

Today, McCain campaign spokesperson/blogger Michael Goldfarb published a 700-word response to the news, and by any reasonable measure, the statement is a complete mess. In the very first sentence, Goldfarb says the reports charge that Davis "was paid by Freddie Mac until last month," which Goldfarb insists is false. Actually, the reports charge that Davis' lobbying firm was the one paid until last month, which is true.

My goodness, what a shock: they tried to lie and obfuscate themselves out of a tough corner. And that was only the beginning.

Davis, perhaps realizing what a bloodbath it would be, decided to skip lunch with reporters. Better to look like a sissy than have to face tough questions about your business buddies, I suppose.

Especially in light of the fact that, you know, the campaign kinda sorta blatantly lied about him not having anything to do with the lobbying firm he's - whoops! - still director of.

Sarah Palin, horror of horrors, got asked a question by a reporter. The campaign earned itself jeers by hustling said reporters out of the room before she could so much as open her mouth, thus proving that whatever else she might be, vice presidential material she ain't.

Then came a poll showing Obama with a nine-point lead. Freakout! They promptly proclaimed the poll bogus, then belied that assessment by showing raw nekkid fear. What else explains McCain's impetuous decision to suspend his campaign in order to rush back to Washington to play economic savior?

Obama, Pelosi, and Reid all took the opportunity to explain to McCain that a) his presence in Washington wouldn't be helpful and b) people who hope to become President should know how to handle more than one thing at a time. Americans everywhere are now being treated to the novel idea that their President should be able to multi-task, and McCain has proven he's incapable of doing so.

As far as political stunts go, this one is roughly equivalent to Evil Knievel trying to jump the Grand Canyon and ending up spattered all over the bottom. It's working out just slightly better than McCain's choice of Palin as a veep. Let us turn now to the spectacular series of serious embarrassments that is the Palin Political Pick:

Karl Rove, when asked if Palin would make a good president, said, "I don't know." Seriously. Even Turd Blossom can't make this shit smell like a rose.

Laura Bush chimed in with this brutally honest response when asked by CNN if Sarah Palin has foreign policy experience: "Well, obviously — Of course she doesn’t have that." Geez, Laura, what happened to "Hey, I can see Russia from here!"?

Then there's the ominous rumblings from Alaska. Seems like the campaign's about to be dealing with a scandal a whole lot worse than Troopergate - an Alaska state rep is calling for an investigation into criminal witness tampering, and his evidence-loaded finger is pointed right at McCain staffers.

But that almost pales in comparison to the disasterous interview with Katie Couric. Go. Watch. Wince. There's something terribly wrong with the anchor being orders of magnitude more intelligent than the vice presidential candidate. Stunningly stupid quotes are already flying thick and fast - and this was only an excerpt. The whole thing has yet to air. Betcha McCain's goons try to get it quashed.

Speaking of quashing... McCain's not only trying to get this Friday's debate with Obama punted, he wants the October 2nd vice presidential debate nixed. Something tells me he's terrified that what's left of his campaign is going to get blown to smithereens the instant Palin opens her mouth on a stage with Joe Biden. He's right. Biden won't even have to say a word to win this one.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, McCain's effort to portray himself as so deeply concerned about the economy that he felt compelled to suspend his campaign, attempt to weasel out of the debate, and rush back to Washington was belied by his lies. He said he was meeting with key advisors to discuss the crisis, when in reality he was meeting with Lady Lynn "I Hates Elitists! Hates Them!" de Rothschild. He then begged off Letterman by saying he was at that very moment flying back to Washington - which would be true only if Katie Couric's studio got moved onto his campaign plane. Letterman responded by indulging in a rather thorough and accurate McCain bashing session while Keith Olbermann looked on in wonder.

And, as if all of that wasn't enough, McCain's volunteers in Colorado didn't get the list of campaign suspension talking points - the media did. It turns out that McCain's not the only one in his campaign who doesn't understand how to send an email. The money quote: “Fuck, tell me I didn’t send it to the wrong list.”

Oh, but you did. It's good to see McCain keeping up the tradition of Bush-league incompetence in his staff.

A complete musical comedy could be written around just this single day. If McCain somehow manages to lie, cheat, and steal his way to the White House, we can be assured of one thing: that while we may be bankrupt, at war with everyone in the entire world, choking on endless pollution, boiling in our own global warming juices, facing illness without the benefit of health insurance, suffering from the further erosion of our civil liberties and subjected to a Sarah Palin Dominionist crusade served up with a heaping helping of painful stupidity, at least we'll never be short of breathtaking dumbfuckery to marvel at.