Happy Hour Discurso

Today's opining on the public discourse.

Looks like today is Kiss a Con Commentator's Ass Day.  Nobody told me, or I'd have happily puckered up with the acid lipstick.  And Limbaugh thought his ass abscess was bad...

Sorry for the mental image, there.  Complimentary brain bleach is available in the baño.

Anyway.  Here's Forbes Magazine's high mucky-muck showing sweet smooches all over Glenn Beck's buttocks:

To commemorate Halloween, Forbes magazine announced its picks “for the scariest people of 2009” and included caricatured masks of the honorees, which included Rod Blagojevich, Bernie Madoff, Michael Moore, Kanye West, Roman Polanki and radical Fox News’ host Glenn Beck. “This cable-news demagogue commands big ratings, an army of fans and crocodile tears on demand,” Forbes magazine said of Beck.

Beck hosted the magazine’s Editor-in-Chief — and one-time GOP presidential candidate — Steve Forbes on his radio show Wednesday and complained about the award. “[You're] making me the number one scariest man in America?” Beck asked. “People always want to be at the top of our list,” Forbes replied. “Not this one,” Beck bemoaned. Forbes then started sucking up to Beck:

FORBES: It was a mis — it was a miscommunication. We were going to put you on the most admired, most beloved, most reasonable, most enlightened list.

BECK: Right, right.

FORBES: But we figured if we did that, it would yeah, we wanted to put a mask on you so you wouldn’t get killed by the liberals.

I can't bear to put the rest up there, because it became truly nauseating.  And unfortunately, I was eating when I read it.  Emphasis on the was.

And Rep. Steve King's so worshipful of Limbaugh that he interrupted a hearing to demand an apology for the Great Gasbag:

Yesterday, the House Judiciary Committee held a hearing on head injuries suffered by professional football players. It's a subject of increasing interest in light of reports pointing to the frequency with which former players are diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease or similar memory-related diseases -- 19 times the normal rate for men ages 30 through 49.

And while this may seem unrelated to congressional responsibilities, Congress does extend antitrust protections given to the NFL, and has a role in addressing public health issues. The formal name for the hearing was "Legal Issues Related to Football Head Injuries."

As is always the case, every member of the committee was given time to question the panel of witnesses. Rep. Steve King (R) of Iowa decided to press Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League, aggressively -- about Rush Limbaugh.

Apparently, the right-wing congressman is angry because his favorite talk-show host was dropped by a team of investors interested in buying the St. Louis Rams. So, during a hearing about health issues, King badgered the league commissioner for having previously said that "divisive comments are not what the NFL are all about," and that he "would not want to see those comments coming from people who are in a responsible position in the NFL."

The Iowa Republican insisted to Goodell, "I don't think anything Rush Limbaugh said was offensive."

I guess it's vaguely related to the subject of the hearing, if we feel generous and grant that both Limbaugh and King are brain damaged.  Otherwise, this looks like some of that time-wasting Boehner was whining about.  Something tells me he won't be condemning this pathetic waste of the House's time.

I wonder now which Con in Congress will demand an apology from Iowa for dissing Sarah Palin?

The conservative Iowa Family Policy Center is trying to raise $100,000 to bring former Alaska governor Sarah Palin to speak at its banquet next month. But according to GOP leaders in the state, the move would “represent a striking departure from customary practice in the first-in-the-nation state” because most White House hopefuls have “paid their own way to boost their party and presidential ambitions.” Other conservative groups in the state say they would never pay Palin to come speak:

– “If somebody tells me they want me to pay an appearance fee, it tells me they’re not very serious about running for president,” said Ed Failor, Jr., president of Iowans for Tax Relief and an influential GOP insider.

Very ouch.

Here's some ammunition for ye the next time someone starts screaming about socialism.  Seems like the economy likes socialism just fine:

From Fall 2008 through Summer 2009, the nation's gross domestic product retreated. The four consecutive negative quarters was the longest since the government began keeping track six decades ago.

It comes as something of a relief, then, to see the U.S. economy come back to life in the third quarter of 2009 -- spanning July, August, and September -- with GDP growth at 3.5%. It was the strongest quarterly economic performance in two years, and it came "without a major surge in inflation." The three-quarter swing of 9.9% was the largest in three decades.

Despite conservative opposition to economic recovery efforts, the growth in the U.S. economy was "fueled largely by government recovery programs," including the now-expired cash-for-clunkers program and the tax credit for first-time home buyers. The AP report added, "Brisk spending by the federal government played into the third-quarter turnaround."

But remember, Cons said government is never the solution, spending would drive the economy into further ruin, and the only solution to the economic woes inflicted upon us by the Con President and his zany bunch of Con fucking fools was to tighten our belts, freeze all spending, and let the paralyzed free market save us all.

Yup.  As per usual, turn what they say around 180 degrees and squint, and you can almost imagine they got it exactly right.

I've saved the best for last.  You'll never guess what yet another Family Values Con™ has been getting up to in his spare time:

This week, a deputy assistant South Carolina attorney general, who also happens to be a right-wing Republican, was caught on his lunch break with a stripper, sex toys, and Viagra in his sport utility vehicle.

Roland Corning, 66, a former state legislator, was in a secluded part of a downtown cemetery when an officer spotted him Monday, according to a police report obtained by The Associated Press under the Freedom of Information Act.

As the officer approached, Corning sped off, then pulled over a few blocks away. He and the 18-year-old woman with him, an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club, gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery, Officer Michael Wines wrote in his report, though he did not elaborate.

Corning gave Wines a badge showing he worked for the state Attorney General's Office. Wines, whose wife also works there, called her to make sure Corning was telling the truth.

When asked about the Viagra pill and sex toys, Corning told the officer they were always in his S.U.V. "just in case."

He was promptly fired. State Attorney General Henry McMaster said such a trip to the cemetery "would not be appropriate, at any time, for an assistant attorney general."

I'll bet South Carolina officials were just glad they could get rid of this flaming embarrassment.  Alas for them, if they plan to purge all of the sexual miscreants from their ranks, they're going to have some pretty thin ranks at the end.

Moral of the story: the louder a Con screams about family values, the sanctity of marriage, and so forth, the more you should suspect them of "hiking Appalachian trails" with sex toys and erection pills in their vehicles.

Now if you'll excuse me, I really must go laugh me arse off.