Shopping for Candidates at Abercrombie & Fitch

There's going to be quite a bit of what might be loosely termed "ideas" thrown out by right-wingers in their quest to rescue the Republicon party from obscurity. Some will have more, for lack of a better word, merit than others. What's going to be most interesting is to see which suggestions the party embraces and which it discards.

I'm torn on this one. On the one hand, eye candy during the next election cycle wouldn't be a bad thing - after all, if the Cons are going to get trounced anyway, they might as well look good doing it. On the other hand... eew:

Andrew Breitbart, LA’s most dapper wingnut, has some advice for the GOP if it wants to win any future elections. Enlist hunky models from Abercrombie & Fitch as the new GOP candidates and run them against the ugly, baby boomer Democrats. Seriously. And, best I can tell, Breitbart isn’t attempting parody. He’s as serious as Jonah “the Whale” Goldberg at the sundae station of an all-you-can-eat early-bird buffet.

[H]ere’s an unorthodox fast-track plan for a full-scale GOP recovery in 2010. The future of the Grand Old Party needs to be dangerously youthful, devastatingly attractive and outrageously fun.

Like these young Republicans.

With the economy in the pits, the young, the restless and unapologetically handsome should use their looks, vigor and Internet knowledge to wrest away elective office from joyless bureaucrats who gallingly repackaged the soiled utopian promises of their overly replayed Woodstock days as “hope” and “change.”

Woohoo! Zac Efron can be like the next Secretary of Treasury. My 401(k) got hard and throbby just at the thought.

So let’s stop first at Abercrombie and Fitch. See those shirtless models in the storefront tossing footballs in the air? There’s a better use of their time and efforts. Tanned, coiffed and seriously cut, these young studs could be tossing free-trade legislation across the halls of the Cannon House Office Building faster than you can Twitter “The Bella Twins.” Just tell these $15-an-hour beefcakes there’s a Democrat standing between them and a $169,300 job.

And this is where I have to stop for a moment to let my stomach stop churning. "Seriously cut?" Did I really just hear a wingnut say that out loud? I mean, I knew they had a lot of closeted gays in their ranks, but listening to them salivate over male models.... It's like listening to Mark Foley wax poetic over White House pages.

Once the nausea fades, I realize that this is the right-wing plan for regaining their popularity. Screw this responsible government stuff. Instead of policy, they're going for porn. The "party of family values," many of whose members like to wank over the decline of morals in our society, want to use sex to sell candidates.

Andrew Breitbart thinks they should give up trying to win hearts and minds. He thinks they should attempt to win hearts and loins instead. I think that describes the problem with the right wing in this country perfectly.

Under my plan, the party will grow as the parties grow. Weekly keggers and Guitar Hero and karaoke fundraisers can make a mockery of the self-serious poetry slam-faced Obama youth movement. …

We’ll even throw in some Republican punk rockers and conservative performance artists while we’re at it. They do exist.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather convert to Mormonism than attend a Republican punk rock concert or watch a conservative performance artist perform.

Seconded. I actually have a song by a Christian death metal band on one of my Death is Just the Beginning... CDs. I tried to listen to the song. I had to spend five hours on a steady diet of Emperor, Dimmu Borgir, Satryricon, and Dismal Euphony afterward to scrub the horror from my mind. Note to evangelical Christians: you don't know jack fucking shit about death metal, so please stop trying. You're only hurting yourself and others. And as for conservative punk rockers... fuck joining the Mormon church, I'll become a damned nun before I allow myself to be subjected to that agony.

Can we take just a moment to realize two things here? One, Andrew thinks the Republicon party can regain the youth vote by throwing keggers, because obviously young people only care about beer. Secondly, he juxtaposes frat parties with karaoke. And he thinks he will be making a mockery of Obama supporters, who instead of drinking beer and singing badly in public merely recite poetry instead.

This man frightens me.

If we’re going to make the Republican Party a big tent again, why not make it large enough to hold a rave?

I give the fuck up.

It's obvious what's going on here.

He knows that the Cons have nothing that will win a normal person to their side. Instead, he wants to lure them in with Abercrombie and Fitch models, then get them blind drunk and deaf (because believe me, if you have to listen to Republican punk rock, you're likely to stab your eardrums out with a fork), and then, just to be on the safe side, destroy what's left of their brains with bad Ecstasy, after which they will be like putty in the Cons' hands.

The saddest part is that he thinks people are actually stupid and shallow enough to fall for this kind of shit. He actually thinks he's being hip.

I hope his recommendations are adopted in full, because as long as I get to wear earplugs, watching the Cons try this out should be endlessly entertaining.

Now, if you'll excuse me... my brain bleach is beckoning.