I dare you to read this title without at least a chuckle: "Sky Maul."
It's the best takedown of the products in the SkyMall catalog I've ever read in my life, and that's not just because I haven't read many. Even if I read thousands after this, it shall always be among the top 5. It's full of tasty bits, but here are the two I forced upon my coworker because they were just too good not to share.
After the segue into a truly hideous Lancet paper babbling about tattoos on ancient mummies and their correlation to acupuncture points, Dr. Crislip says,
My darlings, no comic book geek and connoisseur of fine woo can read that and not die laughing."I think they all have it wrong. Look carefully at the location of the tattoo points. There mark the intersections of the webbing on Spiderman’s costume. These are not acupuncture points, but rather reflect the ability of both Ötzi and the Peruvian mummy to see into the future imaginings of Stan Lee. I think it makes as much sense based on the data."
And while I usually avoid quoting a writer's closing remarks, preferring to leave those delights for the reader to discover, I cannot as a Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter fan refrain from quoting his close in full:
I welcome our future Science-Based Medicine overlord!I was originally going to discuss the Head Spa Massager, the X5 HairLaser and others, but the Aculife took me down many unexpected pathways and I am the slowest writer at SBM. They did have numerous cool gadgets and products on SkyMall. Me? I really want Voldemort’s wand and the One ring. Both work using the same mechanism as acupuncture and mummy medical tattoo’s. I have ordered them and soon I will be invincible.