I Need a Geology Degree

Then I can hang this on my door:

(Tip o' the shot glass to Chris Rowan)

Save Yourselves from the Evil Garden Gnomes

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is now available (h/t).  Arm yourselves with the definitive guide to defeating the little buggers.  Get them before they get you!

Do not wait for the paperback.  By then, it may be too late!

When Bad Writing Is Good

Brian Switek pointed us at a site today that actually managed to make me laugh despite a certain monthly recurrent condition that makes me hate life, my uterus and everything.  That's no small feat.  Anyone who reads or writes will appreciate How to Write Badly Well.  Only a great writer can write so badly so perfectly.

For example:

It was four o’clock in the afternoon and Derek was facilitating his process environment. He validated his competency, taking care not to leverage his parameters to an un-optimal degree, then took ownership of the resultant paradigm.

And:

Dr Henry Billingsworth was a Nobel Prize-winning theoretical physicist and all-round renaissance man. In the course of his long career, he had held sub-atomic particles in the palm of his hand, excavated lava from the centre of the Earth and invented a whole new mathematical function which supplemented the old-fashioned plus, minus, multiply and divide to create a unheard-of fifth way of doing sums. At present, he was absorbed in his new experiment – observing evolution in fruit flies.

And:

Penny stared down at the police interview table.

‘I’m embarrassed and quite scared,’ she said. The policeman nodded.

‘I’m aware of that,’ he said. ‘However, I’m not above using your fragile emotional state to get the information I need. You see, despite sympathising with you and, to be entirely honest, being quite attracted to you, I am very good at my job.’

Of course, after reading several entries on the site, I'm having flashbacks to several pieces of ostensible literature written in our college creative writing class, and I'm not sure if the resultant sweating is a symptom of impending nervous breakdown or just regular ol' hot flashes.  It's an enduring mystery we shall solve next week.

 

In the meantime, go enjoy some of the best bad writing on offer.

An Arizona Primer

In light of Arizona's noxious new immigration law, folks may be confused as to whether or not they should have papers on them at all times in the Grand Canyon State.  This helpful illustration should clear things up:

(Tip o' the shot glass to Jerry Coyne)

LOL Pollyticks Time

Because I needed a good laugh, that's why.  And so do you.  Admit it.

Damned good advice:

Matters of interpretation:

Pollyticks of scale:

Good question:

Kanye and Darwin

All right. The Kanye West jokes are officially out of hand now:

Creationism vs. Evolution

My heart sister NP sent me something you guys will appreciate:



And, hell, while we're at it:



I feel better after a good laugh. How about you guys?

LOL Punditry

There's some stuff on Pundit Kitchen that's just too good not to share.

Here's an excellent definition of lazy:

Does that look like an American car to you? I'm going to laugh my ass off if it's foreign.

Here's today's history lesson:


And a damned good question:



And, finally, a service every cat owner could use:

Alas for them, even riot gear wouldn't save them from the wrath of my evil feline. But it'd sure be funny to watch...

I Am a Writer, and I Approve this Pun

Hot Potato

Sometimes, the essential truth of a situation can be succinctly summed up using satire, parody, and other forms of humor easily comprehended by the left and completely lost on the right:

Late Night: Baked Potato Frontrunner for 2012 GOP Nomination; Liberals Vow to Destroy Potato, MSM Reaches for Sour Cream, Chives

It's so accurate it's depressing. But it's still hilarious.

"Keeping the Rich, White Christian Man Down..."

And you know that with a title like that, you must absolutely read the rest.

En Tequila Es Verdad is not responsible for any mishaps that may occur should you click and begin reading with your mouth full.

(Tip o' the shot glass to Mike's Blog Roundup.)

For the Three People Who Haven't Seen Homeopathic A&E

Here ye go:



If you click the link, you'll even find out what A&E means.

You're welcome.

Best LOL Evah

This LOL combines two of my great loves, and is therefore the best ever from my POV:


Genius.

Obama Announces The Ultimate Marvel Team-Up

There's been a lot of pants-pissing Con hysteria over the impending closure of Guantanamo. We liberals have been quick to dismiss their concerns, but we may have been a little over-hasty. A closer reading of history proves there's good cause for concern:

Today, Glenn Greenwald makes a completely incorrect assertion:

Take note, Chris Cillizza and friends: while it's true that "not a single prisoner has escaped from Gitmo since it was created," it's also true that no Muslim Terrorists have escaped from American prisons and our SuperMax prison "has had no escapes or serious attempts to escape." Actually, the only person to even make an escape attempt from a SuperMax is Green Arrow, who hasn't succeeded despite the help of Joker and Lex Luthor.

Greenwald clearly doesn't remember the Magneto incident of 2003, in which the mutant supervillain escaped from his glass prison facility after Mystique increased the iron content in his guard's blood, which Magneto extracted using his ferrokinetic powers and then used to destroy his cell. Obviously, we need to discover if Gitmo inmates do have mutant abilities, which will undoubtedly require more waterboarding, and this has to be done before the administration gets a dime to close Guantanamo. In fact, I'm pretty sure Nancy Pelosi was briefed on the subject in 2002.

Whether or not Nancy Pelosi was accurately briefed, the imaginary threat is real. We can't dismiss the danger of terrorists being superpowered mutants just because there's no evidence for it. That's why it's so heartening to see President Obama taking immediate action to counter this dire threat (h/t):

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

WASHINGTON, DC – Seeking to quell fears of terrorists somehow breaking out of America's top-security prisons and wreaking havoc on the defenseless heartland, President Barack Obama moved quickly to announce an Anti-Terrorist Strike Force headed by veteran counterterrorism agent Jack Bauer and mutant superhero Wolverine. Already dubbed a "dream team," their appointment is seen by experts as a crucial step in reducing the mounting incidents of national conservatives and congressional Democrats crapping their pants.

"I believe a fictional threat is best met with decisive fictional force," explained President Obama. "Jack Bauer and Wolverine are among the very best we have when in comes to combating fantasy foes." Mr. Bauer said, "We're quite certain that our prisons are secure. Osama bin Laden and his agents wouldn't dare attempt a break-out, and would fail miserably if they tried. But I love this country. And should Lex Luthor, Magneto or the Loch Ness Monster attack, we'll be there to stop them."

[snip]

Some critics have expressed concerns as to whether Mr. Bauer is the best choice to counter the potential threat of a super-villain such as Magneto, a dinosaur stampede or an alien invasion. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs responded that while Bauer lacks conventional super-powers, he can withstand extreme amounts of pain, has near infallible judgment, can teleport across Los Angeles and Washington D.C. at will, and can go 24 hours without sleep or relieving his bladder.

Should the task of protecting the country prove too difficult for the super-agent and super-hero on their own, Crime-Fightin' Jesus has offered to lend a hand "in a pinch," although he says he would rather spend his time helping the poor "if at all possible." Republicans insist that a law-enforcement approach to terrorism is ineffective.

The Kimberly-Clark Corporation, manufacturers of Depends adult diapers, has already come out strongly against the announcement of the Bauer-Wolverine dream team, claiming that their increased sales are helping spur the nation's economic recovery...

These advances are always so difficult for major corporations to adjust to, aren't they? But I'm sure there won't be any reduction in demand for Depends. David Vitter's still healthy enough for sexual activity, right? And sales of Kleenex brand tissues, another Kimberly-Clark product, have increased dramatically since the press release, possibly due to the equally dramatic increase in despairing tears as Cons realize their usual gloom-and-doom scenarios are impotent in the face of this Wolverine-Bauer team-up.

Prominent Cons could not be reached for comment. Sources say they're meeting in an undisclosed location, frantically trying to manufacture the next Big Scare. We wish them luck with that.

Proposals That Read Like a Joke

Looks like the Cons have gotten hold of spray paint and stencils again:


Saying something isn't so doesn't change reality. And it can be dangerous to delicate electronics equipment:

Windows users are being warned not to input Republican policy proposals into their computers until the software company issues an urgent patch later this month. Apparently, an overload of non-sequitur and contradictory GOP policies can cause computers running on Windows to simply crash. “You have seen those episodes of Star Trek where Captain Kirk talks alien computers into overloading,” said one Windows engineer “They start spewing smoke and saying ‘Error, error, does not compute!’ – well we are seeing increasing incidences of this occurring when users input too many GOP policy proposals.”

[snip]

Nothing in this blog entry has been serious - aside from what the Cons themselves fervently proclaim as the best possible policy for this country. How sad is that?

Truth in Photoshopping

Steve C presents RNC Clown College:


I don't believe I've ever seen John Boehner et al more realistically portrayed.

Arlen Specter's Personals Ad

You know, I kind of wondered how Arlen Specter signaled to the Dems that he might be ready for a party change. Didn't realize he was desperate enough to advertise:

Is your tent big enough for my vote? Rakish, slightly used 79-year-old Senator seeks new political party for fun, games, and an uncontested primary.

I’m known as Snarlin’ Arlen, but I’ll be your sweet little kitten of a 60th vote for at least 29 seconds of filibuster-breaking joy (unless they actually seat that 60th guy). I won’t support you, share your opinions, or respect you the morning after a roll call. None of that. I’m only getting into party-swapping to get back at that old windbag of a party that I used to be with because it threatened to cheat on me with a younger, more ideologically pure man....

Alas, these intertoobz romances seldom last. He should never have fallen for those eHarmony.com commercials.

The Muslim Takeover of America Has Begun

So on the drive home tonight, the local Christian marquee has this message up:

There Is No Other God

I just about crashed the car laughing. Sounds like they're taking a page from the Qu'ran, and they're too clueless to realize it:

That would be the Shahada. It says, "There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet." What does Allah mean? God. The self-same God as the Jews and Christians, in fact, although nobody seems to want to fess up to that. Until tonight, anyway.

What do you know? Christians do agree that America is a Muslim country.

Absolutely Perfect.

Go. Behold photograph and caption. Do it now. Just make sure you've swallowed whatever you're drinking first.

Do you see now why I want to put this up on a billboard outside DIsco's HQ?

Possibly the Greatest LOL Evah

Perfecto.