Ed Brayton, surely laughing his ass off, directs our attention to Biltz's latest cunning scheme:
I find this Worldnutdaily story amusing:An American pastor who made news in April by studying NASA's eclipse calendar to speculate on the return of Jesus Christ to Earth is now planning a worldwide blast of trumpets this fall to get God's attention.
Mark Biltz of El Shaddai Ministries in Bonney Lake, Wash., is organizing the global "Day of Shouting" for the evening of Sept. 29, marking the annual biblical holiday known as the Feast of Trumpets.
Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?
Let's have an around the world shofar assembly in every time zone on the Feast of Trumpets at sunset announcing to Messiah we are awake and anxiously anticipating His return. What a dress rehearsal! Won't that stir His heart?
A dress rehersal? Mark, seriously, I know snorting too much fundamentalist religion does serious damage to your brain, but for fuck's sake, this is an easy detail. A "dress rehersal" refers to something that, aside from the audience, is exactly like the real thing. Are you trying to tell me that everybody else has been wrong about the Rapture, and that it won't start until a bunch of silly fuckwits with sheep horns start making a gawdawful racket? That's not the Rapture, you dumbass - that's God snatching his children over his knee for a good sharp smack.
Maybe you should read up on Sumerian mythology and find out what happens when humans make so much noise the gods can't get a good night's sleep.
Although it's like critiquing a five year-old's art project, let's deconstruct this inanity a bit further.
This little stunt implies several things:
A. Jesus hasn't heard a single damned prayer.
B. Jesus is very near deaf.
C. He has absolutely no clue that people have been begging for him to return for, oh, gods, what is it now, 2,000 years?
D. We've been so meek and quiet he must've thought we were all asleep.
E. He's such an uncaring SOB that it takes several million doofuses blowing horns for all they're worth to "stir his heart."
Oh, his heart'll be stirred, all right. I know mine would be pumping after that much ruddy noise. It's called outrage, you silly shit.
You know, it's a damned good thing I'm not a believer. People like this would be an insult to my faith instead of merely an endless source of ready entertainment. What a narrow and pathetic view of the almighty he's got.
All I can say is this: he'd better not be tooting his horn outside my window on September 29th. By then, I'll have decided whether I'm more inclined to break it over his head or shove it up his arse, and I shall act accordingly.