No Substitutions Allowed

Accept no substitutes!

Some time back, I laid out the series of extremely unlikely events that would convince me God exists, and takes a close interest in the affairs of human beings. One of those events was God personally bringing a hopelessly smitten Christian Bale to my door.

This has not, needless to say, happened.

I've been promoted at work. One of the managers of my new department looks like Christian Bale's brother. The resemblance is uncanny, right down to the way their mouths move when they talk. And yes, I'm thoroughly enjoying this, and no, not stupid enough to try to start anything. Just savoring the eye truffles.

The reason I bring this up is because two of my friends have now asked me, in the snarkiest tones imaginable, if this has brought me any closer to believing in God. Ha ha ha very funny, guys.

And the answer is, no.

I'll only accept originals, thank you so very much. Any god wanting to convince me of his existence is gonna have to do a little better than a man who resembles but is not identical to Christian Bale. Not to mention, there's the small complication of this man being a supervisor. You know what? If this is God's gift to me in order to prove his existence, he's one sadistic-ass motherfucker with a pathetic sense of humor.

There's also the small matter of the other points on the list. You see, it's just possible I could end up with a person who looks like Christian Bale someday. Stranger things have happened. But if everything on that list, point-by-point, happened exactly the way I spelled out, the odds would be astronomical enough I could accept that yes, God exists.

It won't happen. But life is going to throw up a variety of situations that vaguely resemble the points on that list, and my friends are going to spend the rest of our existence poking fun at me over it. My only consolation is that they're enjoying themselves all too thoroughly.

If only I'd known then what I know now....