11 July, 2008

International "Give God a Headache!" Day

You remember that whackjob Biltz? Yeah, Mr. "I can look at NASA's data and figure out when Jesus is coming! Well, sorta...."

He's baa-ack.

Ed Brayton, surely laughing his ass off, directs our attention to Biltz's latest cunning scheme:

I find this Worldnutdaily story amusing:

An American pastor who made news in April by studying NASA's eclipse calendar to speculate on the return of Jesus Christ to Earth is now planning a worldwide blast of trumpets this fall to get God's attention.

Mark Biltz of El Shaddai Ministries in Bonney Lake, Wash., is organizing the global "Day of Shouting" for the evening of Sept. 29, marking the annual biblical holiday known as the Feast of Trumpets.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

Alas, no.

Let's have an around the world shofar assembly in every time zone on the Feast of Trumpets at sunset announcing to Messiah we are awake and anxiously anticipating His return. What a dress rehearsal! Won't that stir His heart?

A dress rehersal? Mark, seriously, I know snorting too much fundamentalist religion does serious damage to your brain, but for fuck's sake, this is an easy detail. A "dress rehersal" refers to something that, aside from the audience, is exactly like the real thing. Are you trying to tell me that everybody else has been wrong about the Rapture, and that it won't start until a bunch of silly fuckwits with sheep horns start making a gawdawful racket? That's not the Rapture, you dumbass - that's God snatching his children over his knee for a good sharp smack.

Maybe you should read up on Sumerian mythology and find out what happens when humans make so much noise the gods can't get a good night's sleep.

Although it's like critiquing a five year-old's art project, let's deconstruct this inanity a bit further.

This little stunt implies several things:

A. Jesus hasn't heard a single damned prayer.

B. Jesus is very near deaf.

C. He has absolutely no clue that people have been begging for him to return for, oh, gods, what is it now, 2,000 years?

D. We've been so meek and quiet he must've thought we were all asleep.

E. He's such an uncaring SOB that it takes several million doofuses blowing horns for all they're worth to "stir his heart."

Oh, his heart'll be stirred, all right. I know mine would be pumping after that much ruddy noise. It's called outrage, you silly shit.

You know, it's a damned good thing I'm not a believer. People like this would be an insult to my faith instead of merely an endless source of ready entertainment. What a narrow and pathetic view of the almighty he's got.

All I can say is this: he'd better not be tooting his horn outside my window on September 29th. By then, I'll have decided whether I'm more inclined to break it over his head or shove it up his arse, and I shall act accordingly.


Nicole said...

Here's my thoughts.

1. I believe that the whole Bible is a parable. Yes, I'm sure there are truths in it (the best stories are based on truth, yes?), but Jesus taught his disciples by telling stories, so why wouldn't he want future generations of Christians to learn the same way? That's all I'm going to say about that right now.

2. If you believe Revelations is going to come true as described in the Scriptures, you must also recognize that throughout the New Testament, Christians are instructed to always be ready for Christ's return. What happens if Christ returns Sept. 28? Will they be left behind because they're obviously so unprepared they weren't able to get their proselytizing lips to their trumpets in time?

There are far better ways to exhibit faith than making noise on a random day of the year. Give to charity, volunteer, recycle. Be stewards of the earth and sharers of love. Don't do some gimmicky day-long noisefest to try to show you're a believer, Pharisee.

Cujo359 said...

I'm just glad I don't live near Bonney Lake. There's enough senseless noise around here.