10 June, 2008

If You Believe the Rapture's Coming, Stay the Fuck Home this November

I had a woman tell me, in all seriousness, that her cell phone bill being fucked up is a sign of the End Times. I shit you not.

If our calls weren't monitored for quality assurance, I would have said, "Thank you for sharing your batshit insane view of the world, ma'am. Do not under any circumstances vote this November. Now get the fuck off my line." Since our calls are monitored and I can't pay the bills with my writing just yet, I simply grunted. She seemed to get the message, as she got the fuck off my line. No word yet on whether she'll vote.

There are a lot of stupid things humans believe that drive me up the wall and across the ceiling, but this "Everything's a sign it's the end of days!" bullshit really gets up my nose. It's been the end of days for two thousand fucking years now, people. God's procrastinating, probably because he doesn't want to deal with you silly fuckers. Get the fuck over yourselves.

It's just general human stupidity when ordinary dumbasses believe the Rapture's scheduled for next week, but when that attitude infests our politics, it's time for a serious reassessment of these fucker's suitability to make decisions about government. Like Ames said:

Politics and basic human responsibility mandate that we take care of our own problems ourselves. If God chooses to make our task easier by magically appearing and curing those remaining ills, so much the better, but we cannot count on God to handle our problems for us. Thomas Jefferson once famously said that the World ought to belong to the living: increasingly, too, I believe that the World ought to belong exclusively to those who embrace their role as being among the living, rather than those who seem to deride their presence on Earth as a minor layover, to be treated as such.

We've got ridiculous fucks agitating for nuclear war in the Middle East because they're so horny for the Rapture. John McCain's provisionally former bestest buddy John Hagee is a spectacular example of the doomsday thinking infesting our political discourse:

Pastor John Hagee gleefully anticipates the death of hundreds of millions of people in a series of wars preparing the world for the second coming of Christ: “The end of the world is rapidly approaching . . . Rejoice and be exceeding glad.”

Worse, Hagee wants to jump start what he sees as the inevitable battle between Israel and the US and an alliance of the Islamic states and Russia: “The United States must join Israel in a preemptive military
strike against Iran to fulfill God’s plan for both Israel and the West.” Hagee’s bizarre interpretation of the Bible sees war with Iran as a “biblically prophesized End Time confrontation . . . which will lead to the Rapture, Tribulation and the Second Coming.”


John Hagee’s end time theology transmogrifies Christianity into little more than a death cult in which the State of Israel is worshipped like a latter day Golden Calf. Despite his weird views, Hagee has access to senior politicians in the US and Israel; he likes to brag that he has met every Israeli prime minister since Menachem Begin.

President Bush praised Hagee’s CUFI for “spreading the hope of God’s love and the universal gift of freedom.” How to square “spreading . . . God’s love” and the “gift of freedom” with bombing the Iranians is hard to fathom, but, in any event, evangelicals like Hagee have been among President Bush’s strongest supporters and the president is not about to abandon them now.

Does this shit terrify you? It terrifies me. The finger posed over the big red nuclear button shouldn't be quivering in anticipation over bringing on the Rapture.

We don't need freaks like this in office, and we don't need freaks like this voting batshit insane fuckers into office. There has to be a way to convince these fools that Jesus wants them to refrain from voting. Suggestions?


Efrique said...

Fanstastic. Spot on.

I'm going to adapt (steal may be a more apt word) part of this for a comic.

JeffreyD said...

Dana dear,

We should encourage people to believe in the rapture, at least until after November. The hope is that these loons will decide not to vote, and I would imagine most are McCain supporters. Once we get out country back, we can think about educating them...or just ignore them since they will no longer have much power.

I have enjoyed your blog, but now it is time to head out for a bit. BTW, loved your pics, the one of you with PZ and the pirate pic.

Ciao, Bella - JeffreyD

Dana Hunter said...

@Efrique: Ooo, flattery! You know that plagarism is a great compliment sometimes, right? Steal away!

@Keltixx: I'm hoping we can return them to the happy social niche they occupied back when they had no power and were just considered the silly weirdos down the block, harmless to everybody but themselves. Educating them - doubt it can work.

I've loved having you here! Hope to see ye back!

Hasta luego, mi amigo!