06 June, 2008

Post-Apocalyptic e-mail chain goodness

Just when I think all is lost in my day, I stumble on this page of pure awesomeness:


Shit, that's a relief. I was thinking you know, how will I manage to really get that last dig into my asshole family members when I got hauled off into Glory Glory Hallelujah and they're stuck around still trying to make mortgage payments on their sub-prime loans? That's right, a nice post-Rapture e-mail to really send those sinners off in style. Take that you godless bastards. I'm up here in Heaven, and you're still stay paying four dollars a gallon in gas!

Okay, let's be honest. If the rapture hits, it'll likely be when I'm getting a haircut. Picture my barber, finishing up my trim and razoring my sideburns. Flash, he'll be gone and in a spurt of blood and muffled screams of agony, I'll flail about trying to pick the top half of my ear from the floor. There goes my day.

What I'm wondering is, since the e-mails are set to send six days after the Rapture hits, and the way it works is when 3 out of 5 of the members fail to log in after a 3 day period, what happens if God, in his sick ways, decides to off four of them in random accidents in a two-day period? Seriously, can you imagine thousands of "Hey, I'm in Heaven Fuckers!" e-mails going out to friends, relatives and neighborhood heathens? Oops, premature transubstantiation.

Not to mention, how fucking judgemental is it to set up a post-Rapture e-mail list. "To all you filthy heathens, Jews, heretics, fags, democrats, heavy metal fans, FYI, you're fucked." In their own words "WHY" is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!"

Well, thanks for that mate. Think I'll just have my way with your sister while you're out and help myself to the Twinkies in the pantry.